Ever had an experience with a therapist or psychologist? Seems like these days you either go to one or you despise the thought. For a long time, I was one who despised the thought.
When my parents got a divorce I saw a school counselor for a while. I don’t really remember it making any difference… I just knew the counselor had fun toys (I was pretty young). Then one of my parents re-married. No more school counselor for me, but this was probably the time I really needed it. For me the re-marriage to someone else was more damaging than the initial divorce of my parents, especially since it involved moving away from the other parent, living with step-siblings, and then moving again every single school year! Ugh. Maybe a school counselor would have been helpful at this point.
The re-married parent seemed to think we could become a complete family with the step-family (that has turned out to be a sad delusion), and so took us to family therapy to work out issues and basically try to get us to like the new step-parent. This was, frankly, a disaster. It was way too much pressure on the kids and made it seem as though we were at fault for the unhappy situation. (I’m sorry, but children under 10 years old were not the problem here. It was the adults causing the problems through poor decision making.) This family therapy only lasted for a few sessions.
After that experience, I never wanted to meet with a therapist again. The idea came to me a few times over the years, but I loathed it and pushed it aside. I figured I had survived and thrived as best I could this long, I could probably continue.
The real change came when Husband and I decided we would soon plan for children. I knew I was not prepared. I knew without help I probably wouldn’t be a very good parent. I didn’t want to pass the curse of broken family on to my own children. I had to do something.
Husband and I talked with our ecclesiastical leader and arranged for some therapy which was financially supplemented by our church (we were still poor students and couldn’t afford to pay the $70 a week on our own).
I was pretty anxious. I had a mental block about therapy. I wanted to change, but was still afraid of said change. I didn’t want to voice some of the experiences from my past. I was scared, but I wanted a good family life more, so I plunged in.
I did everything my therapist asked me to. And with the talking and practice exercises and thinking came the emotions. I cried more than I had in a long time. I felt anger over other people’s poor decisions that hurt me growing up. I felt pain over the loss of a peaceful childhood. I felt disappointment when I realized I might be more like the person I want to be already if things had gone differently. I also felt like I had the ability to break the cycle of poor decisions that had already affected at least four generations. I could stop this cycle in just one generation… I could stop it with me. What a wonderful thing!
When going to a therapist, it is important to make sure you go to one that actually wants you to get better. Some may try to actually keep you in therapy so they can make more money off of you. My therapist wanted me to get better, even to the point where I was surprised by how few sessions we had. One day she said, “Well, do you think we’ve covered everything you wanted to and that you’re ready to stop coming?” Whoa! I didn’t realize we were going to end so suddenly. We waited a month between appointments for me to think on it. After some thinking, I agreed we were probably done.
What I gained from therapy was not what I expected. I thought by talking these things out, the pain would magically go away somehow. Poof! (Wouldn’t that be great?!) I realized that the pain might always be there. Sometimes it would be so minor, I could simply ignore it and go on with normal life. Other times I would cry again because of the aching loss I felt. The pain could be softened through principles taught in my religion, and I could have hope in a brighter future for my own family. The past will never just disappear, but that doesn’t mean I have to dwell on it, because I need to live in the present and plan for the future.
If you’re having problems with therapy as I was, I hope this helps. Husband and I spent a long time talking about it and deciding if it was a good decision for me. Turns out it was.
I still have a lot of work to do on changing my life. Now at least I have some more tools to help me.
