Yesterday my husband helped me come to a painful realization.  He was most kind about it without accusation.  In fact, he tried to speak in general terms about “some people” during one of our interesting and in-depth discussions.  His words, however, hit home in such a way that I have rarely known.  He said something like, “No one likes someone who goes around with a chip on their shoulder.”  That person was me.  I knew it was me.  It cut me to the core.  I went to the bedroom and asked to be alone while I cried and contemplated.  I came to a conclusion which I believe to be quite accurate.

To use the words of Stewart Little, I have an empty space.  I know how it was created as well.  My whole life my mother has shown me I am not important to her.  When you get that message enough, you may start to believe it.  Or you may start to look for other people who think you’re important.  Perhaps I did both, but I definitely did the latter.

I have been seeking for people to find me important.  I tried to be the best at things: the best at school, the best at music, the best friend, the best church-goer, the best whatever.  I tried to get people to find me and my opinion important.  To find my very existence important.  The problem is, even if a few people did tell me I was important in some way, it didn’t fill my empty space.  That one person whose opinion mattered so much to me as a child, my mother, still didn’t find me important.  Sure, she says she loves me, she comes to some big events in my life… but that is all really just for her to feel good about herself.  So she can feel like a good mother.  So she can feel important.

In the end, I’ve just been picking up the behavior of the person I try so hard not to be like.

Perhaps the worst part is that I’ve been seeking praise and respect from family and friends long and hard.  I’m quite sure it has driven a few people away, and driven the more patient ones to exasperation.  I always knew I was doing something wrong, but I didn’t know what.  Finally I know.

My realization was exquisitely painful, but now I feel as though I have been freed from a cage I have existed in my entire life.  I know I am important to my husband and my father and even my in-laws and some other family members.  People who have much more sense than my mother think I am important.  Also, God thinks I am important as He does every one of His children.

And so I am free.  I matter to those who matter to me.  I no longer feel the urge to seek out importance among others.  I am free to just make friends and expect nothing from them in return.  I am a little sad at the years of nonsense wasted, but mostly I am glad I can now stop their continuation.

Perhaps I may slip into some old habits occasionally (I don’t know what the future holds), but at least now I know what the problem is, and since it starts with me it can end with me.  That is the power of agency.

Recently my husband and I moved.  With the move came a new church.  For months now I’ve been hoping someone would sit by me in the meetings or extend a welcome more than the regular small talk.  I had it wrong the whole time though!  I found out I didn’t need the people there as much as they need me.

You see, even though I went through a bunch of garbage as a kid, even though I feel shy and unsure of myself almost all the time, even though sometimes I feel directionless and like I’m not much help to my husband, even though I’m new and don’t really know how everything runs yet… I’m one of the strong ones.  I’m one that had enough knowledge and experience to make some really good choices at the critical time of young adulthood.  I’ve got a wise and supportive husband.  I have a long term goal for life and I’m on my way there, even if in the present I’m having a hard time deciding on goals.  We don’t have loads of money, but we manage what we do have well.  I’m still struggling with making nutritiously balanced dinners, but I don’t depend on boxed or frozen foods for our dinners.  I’m doing pretty well.  And most of all, I have time on my hands which many people around me don’t have for one reason or another.

I realized today I can do some good for others.  I can do for them some things they can’t do for themselves.  I can make their lives a little easier and a little more pleasant.  In the meantime I won’t waste my time feeling sorry for myself, especially since I’ve got it pretty good.

So no more waiting around for friends to find me.  I’m inviting a family over for dinner this week. I’m babysitting an infant free of charge two days a week for who knows how long.  I’m going to find someone with a truck to help move an unwanted appliance from someone’s porch.  I’m going to do what I can, and it’s gonna be good.

I can’t help but think people are being a little silly when they say, “I need to find myself.”  You’re lost?  Then who am I talking to?

I can’t help but think it’s selfish to “find yourself” if that involves leaving a spouse and children behind.

Really, what’s the point?  By the time you find yourself, you will have changed.

I think it’s better to decide who you want to be, then take the steps to become that person.  It’s really what we all do anyway, it’s just that some try to abdicate responsibility by pretending they have no control over who they are or who they become.

So take some time, think about who you really want to be, and then make it happen.

There are some things in life you can’t control, but make sure you take care of those things you can control.  At least you’ll know you did your best and you will know you’ve been true to yourself.

One way I’m trying to improve is by learning to eat healthy.  It was not very emphasized growing up, in fact the opposite was true.  Changing my habit of poor food choices has been a struggle for a few years now, but today I made a little progress.

I pulled out my college Nutrition text book and did some reading.  (Part of my plan to get healthier is to read about it daily.)  I was reading in the section about nutrition before, during, and after pregnancy.  Frankly, I got a little scared.  I read about all the complications that can come up because of a mother being overweight or underweight (of course I’m the former, not the latter).  Ack!  Don’t want those complications!  It gave me even more motivation to make changes to my daily eating and exercise habits.

My goal for February will be to follow the Food Guide Pyramid.

I think what has been keeping me from doing this in the past (besides laziness or stress) is that I didn’t have a plan for what to eat.  Nor did I really know what constituted a “serving” in each category.  Today I laid out a plan of 3 breakfasts and 3 lunches that I can mix and match.  I wrote down how many servings of Grain, Fruit/Veg, Dairy, and Protein each would give me.  I even wrote down snack ideas and the number of servings they would give me.  Now I just need to figure out the amounts my various dinners will give me.    That will take quite a bit longer.

Now I have a plan!  I really needed to do the work myself I suppose.  There are plenty of websites out there that will help you with nutrition and give you menus, but I needed to make the foods I like to eat fit.  I really think everyone has their own taste and a meal plan just won’t stick unless it fits in their taste.

What were my January goals and how did I do?

• Drink plenty of water  — did great!
• Exercise daily  — getting a cold slowed me down, but I exercised more than last month for sure!
• Read about nutrition daily  — did pretty well, read almost everyday.
• Stay away from chocolate and cookies  — mostly did well.  Had about five days in there where I ate them anyway, not bad for a start!

I’m trying to make goals that will help me change my habits and get me healthier, but I also want to make sure they are sustainable for a lifetime.  Becoming healthy involves all of a person.

Ever had an experience with a therapist or psychologist?  Seems like these days you either go to one or you despise the thought.  For a long time, I was one who despised the thought.

When my parents got a divorce I saw a school counselor for a while.  I don’t really remember it making any difference… I just knew the counselor had fun toys (I was pretty young).  Then one of my parents re-married.  No more school counselor for me, but this was probably the time I really needed it.  For me the re-marriage to someone else was more damaging than the initial divorce of my parents, especially since it involved moving away from the other parent, living with step-siblings, and then moving again every single school year!  Ugh.  Maybe a school counselor would have been helpful at this point.

The re-married parent seemed to think we could become a complete family with the step-family (that has turned out to be a sad delusion), and so took us to family therapy to work out issues and basically try to get us to like the new step-parent.  This was, frankly, a disaster.  It was way too much pressure on the kids and made it seem as though we were at fault for the unhappy situation.  (I’m sorry, but children under 10 years old were not the problem here.  It was the adults causing the problems through poor decision making.)  This family therapy only lasted for a few sessions.

After that experience, I never wanted to meet with a therapist again.  The idea came to me a few times over the years, but I loathed it and pushed it aside.  I figured I had survived and thrived as best I could this long, I could probably continue.

The real change came when Husband and I decided we would soon plan for children.  I knew I was not prepared.  I knew without help I probably wouldn’t be a very good parent.  I didn’t want to pass the curse of broken family on to my own children.  I had to do something.

Husband and I talked with our ecclesiastical leader and arranged for some therapy which was financially supplemented by our church (we were still poor students and couldn’t afford to pay the $70 a week on our own).

I was pretty anxious.  I had a mental block about therapy.  I wanted to change, but was still afraid of said change.  I didn’t want to voice some of the experiences from my past.  I was scared, but I wanted a good family life more, so I plunged in.

I did everything my therapist asked me to.  And with the talking and practice exercises and thinking came the emotions.  I cried more than I had in a long time.  I felt anger over other people’s poor decisions that hurt me growing up.  I felt pain over the loss of a peaceful childhood.  I felt disappointment when I realized I might be more like the person I want to be already if things had gone differently.  I also felt like I had the ability to break the cycle of poor decisions that had already affected at least four generations.  I could stop this cycle in just one generation… I could stop it with me. What a wonderful thing!

When going to a therapist, it is important to make sure you go to one that actually wants you to get better.  Some may try to actually keep you in therapy so they can make more money off of you.  My therapist wanted me to get better, even to the point where I was surprised by how few sessions we had.  One day she said, “Well, do you think we’ve covered everything you wanted to and that you’re ready to stop coming?”  Whoa!  I didn’t realize we were going to end so suddenly.  We waited a month between appointments for me to think on it.  After some thinking, I agreed we were probably done.

What I gained from therapy was not what I expected.  I thought by talking these things out, the pain would magically go away somehow.  Poof!  (Wouldn’t that be great?!)  I realized that the pain might always be there.  Sometimes it would be so minor, I could simply ignore it and go on with normal life.  Other times I would cry again because of the aching loss I felt.  The pain could be softened through principles taught in my religion, and I could have hope in a brighter future for my own family.  The past will never just disappear, but that doesn’t mean I have to dwell on it, because I need to live in the present and plan for the future.

If you’re having problems with therapy as I was, I hope this helps.  Husband and I spent a long time talking about it and deciding if it was a good decision for me.  Turns out it was.

I still have a lot of work to do on changing my life.  Now at least I have some more tools to help me.

Many of us have come from situations we wouldn’t prefer.  There may be unhealthy practices of many types in our familial background.  Bringing about change in your life can be a hard thing.  I’m going to share what insights I come across on my own journey.

One of the hardest things to do for me is to stop comparing myself to others.  (This is especially hard since I majored in a subject where competition is part of the game.)  Recently I’ve realized why I should try not to compare myself to others.

I know a number of young women my age, some older or younger, who do some things (or seemingly everything) better than me.  This one knows all sorts of recipes and is an amazing cook, while that one is great at staying healthy or running a household.  This one is possibly the kindest and most sincere person you’ve ever met, while that one has well behaved children and must be the best parent ever!

Lately I’ve realized, they all have different backgrounds.  Their families, most likely, instilled in them their skills and knowledge and helped them develop their confidence and self-worth.  So if we’re a little behind, there is no need to worry.  There is still time to develop those attributes which are desirable to us.

If I want to be a good cook I can get a good cookbook or attend classes (even with limited funds there are library cookbooks or community classes at times).  If I want to become healthy (something many of us are always trying to achieve), I can educate myself and surround myself with people who have similar goals.

I guess the point is, almost wherever you start out in life, you have the chance to make your life what you would like it to be.  I think the first step is to decide what you would like your life to be.  (And I suggest not going for shallow things like fame and fortune, but for real happiness achieved by having good family and friends to surround yourself with.)

If you’re looking for a way to help Haiti, and those in need in general, I know a great place for you to donate some funds.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has a program called Humanitarian Services.  They work to do good around the world.  It is run by volunteer church members and 100% of donations go to helping others.  Nothing goes to overhead because any overhead expenses are paid by the church.

If you’d like to donate, go here.

If you’d like to see what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is already doing in Haiti, go here.

Ways I have saved or gained money this month:

• Using a shopping list
• Buying things on sale and stocking up
• Writing down our budget
• Taking the bus
• Going on less expensive dates with my husband
• Making dinners from scratch at home
• Providing the materials for my husband to pack a lunch
• Unplugging things when not in use: computers, television, DVD player
• Leaving the thermostat alone (this is the hardest!)

Now here are the two I’m really proud of this month:

• Contacted old landlord and reminded them to return our deposit (they had simply forgotten)
• Doing tax returns and going through the EIC and making work pay worksheets.

Between these two things, we’ve found almost $2000!  What a boon!

A few days ago we were a little stressed about how we were going to make the budget work so we could save for the things that are important to us.  Now our worries are relieved!  It’s amazing how far you can make your money stretch when you give it some real effort!

One of the suggestions in Simply Living Smart is to have a day set aside for certain activities.  I’m just starting to get into that.  It’s taking me a while to get the hang of it.

Monday is the day I clean the house.  Using the methods described in Simply Living Smart it doesn’t take me too long.  I’m sure it would if I had a larger house and children, but even then I’ll have a plan of attack.

Tuesday I haven’t quite figured out yet.

Wednesday works great as a shopping day.  In my area that’s the day the new grocery adds take effect.  (You have to get out there pretty much the first day of great sales or all the other coupon clippers will buy out the stock!)  I’m getting more efficient with my shopping lists, which reduces other trips to the store.  In Amerca’s Cheapest Family Gets You Right on the Money they say 60% of what most people buy at the grocery store are impulse buys.  This is greatly reduced by shopping lists and fewer trips to the store.

Thursday last week I used as a relaxation day for myself.  I’ve heard from many sources that many women don’t take the time to take care of themselves and that taking time out helps them stay healthier mentally and physically.   (Quick story:  I live in an area with many people of the same religion.  The propensity of the women in this culture is to overwork themselves.  There was a doctor who kept seeing women suffering from exhaustion from overworking themselves.  He told many of them to take it easy… the replied “But it brings me joy to serve others!”) Serving others is great, but remember there are other able-bodied people out there and you can delegate.

Friday I usually try to take care of the rest of the chores and errands for the week.  I work to get it all done before Husband comes home, because then it’s time for date night!  (I just love date night.)

Saturday I still haven’t figured out.  It’s usually a day of chores and/or taking it easy.  It’s a good day to reconnect with friends and family.  It is also a good day to do things with Husband since he doesn’t have to go to work.

Sunday I go to church.  I spend the rest of the day resting, reading, cooking dinner, enjoying time with Husband, and so on.

So, that’s the week.  I still need to use some of the days more effectively, but I’m working on that.  Right now, however, I’m not keeping with my weekly schedule at all.  I’m nursing a cold and the grocery adds didn’t come on time this week!

I’ve recently been trying to become a coupon user. I’m getting better at it each week. This week I got toothpaste (a full size tube) for 25 cents. I also recently bought some Herbal Essences shampoo for $1.77.
If you need help with couponing, there are plenty of useful websites out there. I went to pinchingyourpennies.com, which is a great resource. The site is a bit difficult to navigate at first, but after a while I figured things out.